Self-talk- more often than not, it's not the most positive thing. You would think that our own brain would be on our side cheering us on, but it so commonly seems to be our biggest critic.
Why is this happening and how can I turn it around?
Reasons behind the negative messages in our mind typically didn’t start out of the blue as a way to sabotage ourselves. Usually it came from very early on in our development. Have you ever been called names or been told you couldn’t do something? Ever put yourself out there only to be shut down, or told you were wrong? Or have you ever truly embarrassed yourself when attempting to be brave? I think the majority of us can relate to at least one of these experiences.
These negative, soul-crushing experiences stay with us as we grow. They create an internal narrative of self-criticism that reminds us of our failures and builds fear each time we want to be seen. We are all, to some extent, afraid of judgment. This fear becomes strongest when it was our early attachment figures or those we identified with and grew close to in our early developmental stages which did not allow ourselves to be seen, heard, or acknowledged. There’s an even stronger impact on our wellbeing when our primary caregivers or someone we trusted growing up abused our trust through acts of violence, sexual misconduct, or emotional abuse. These things seep into our psyches creating boundaries of mistrust or limiting beliefs around the idea that we are valued and deserving of love.
So how can we live these experiences and feel confident and secure? It’s not an easy answer or one that is what everyone wants to hear, because it involves a lot of effort. The answer is finding and engaging in corrective experiences.
What is a corrective experience and how can I get one?
A corrective experience is something that takes a scary thing and gives a different outcome than the negative ones in the past. An example of this is in romantic relationships is putting yourself out there in a new relationship when your previous romantic partners have put you down for being vulnerable, and your current partner (the corrective experience source) responds in a positive, validating, and secure way. Your biggest fear was proved wrong.
A lot of the time corrective experiences can be first experienced through therapy. A therapeutic relationship may be the first time you have ever been able to be your true self and be vulnerable without judgment or shame. The therapist is a neutral source of validation, and acceptance of even the scariest parts of yourself if therapy is done right. It is a sacred space for you to challenge yourself in the security of a supportive place.
By doing this again and again and sitting with the discomfort of going there, gradually our inner narrative begins to shift. We can gradually begin to believe the positive statements about ourselves. We can finally have enough corrective experiences to trust others rather than fearing them, and will be able to tell the difference of what a safe person is or is not.
A lot of times it takes multiple corrective experiences to change the inner narrative within. The beliefs we build around safety come from an early place and have lived with us a lot of times for our entire existence. We often need a reminder for ourselves to be gentle as we learn a different way. Self-love is a practice that takes effort, commitment, and intention. It starts with small steps toward breaking the negative spirals in our minds. It takes many experiences of security to build trust and shift our perspective. Unpacking our bookshelves of the stories we tell ourselves is an undertaking that is best to do with support.
Wondering how to begin?
If you are looking for a way to start this journey towards self-acceptance, reaching out for support can be the first step. We aren’t expected to know how to do all this on our own. This stuff is big, and difficult, and at certain times overwhelming to begin. I am here for you in this time of uncertainty.