Why is loving ourselves so hard?
I often find myself pondering this question. I have taken many years to study the conundrum of what makes loving ourselves the most important, and also the most difficult thing we can do in our lives.
The difficulty of truly loving ourselves seeps into our careers, our relationships, and our fundamental belief systems. It keeps us doubting ourselves and makes it difficult to invite in what we want in our lives. If you are experiencing this, you are far from alone.
Loving ourselves is not a destination that we arrive at after we have done all the things. It is a constant commitment we make to ourselves that involves awareness and daily practice. We all struggle with this sometimes, and the good news is that it is never too late to begin again.
We all have a fundamental need for love and connection. This is what drives us and can be the difference between life and death in the early moments of our existence. When we don’t get the love we need as a child due to parental inconsistencies or traumatic experiences, we generally have a hard time believing in ourselves, feeling a sense of belonging, or even believing the world is a safe place to be. Self-love is largely impacted by self-talk which come from early experiences that build themselves into beliefs and get internalized, impacting the deepest aspects of our lives.
Can we actually change these thoughts when we have been through so much and have a chronic inner critic that makes us feel less than?
Absolutely! Through corrective experiences, self-awareness, commitment, and practice we can absolutely change the narrative of our minds.
Why is it such a struggle?
The truth is that 80% of our thoughts are negative! That’s a hell of a lot on the negative side. We need our own awareness to be a warning sign to alert us that something needs to change.
One of the ways to increase our awareness and combat these chronic negative thoughts is to pay attention to the words you say to yourself! Make notes and track your negative thoughts. You know when our cell phone reminds us how long we’ve been looking at the screen and it helps us be more mindful in the way we use our phones? It’s kind of like that. I would advise a client to keep a thought journal of each time a negative of self-deprecating thought came through and bring awareness to the thought patterns in your mind.
Remember, Your brain believes what you tell it! When we can trade in those negative thoughts for positive ones, it’s amazing what can change in our lives. Another tip is to outright stop the thoughts as they happen. By saying to yourself “stop thinking that” to break harsh talk cycle.
I find it is helpful to speak directly to our inner critic. Think of the inner critic as a someone knocking at the door. Invite them in for a cup of tea, and have some dialogue.
Use your compassionate voice as you speak to your inner critic. An example of this could look like “I hear you, I know you feel unsafe and are concerned, but what you are saying is hurtful. Could you step back and make some space for another voice to speak now?” If this voice does not give space ask it “what would you like me to know before you can step back?”
It’s important to remember that our inner critic has a purpose and that is primarily to protect us. We need to acknowledge what it is saying hear its message, and ask for some space. By imagining that this critic is knocking on our door with a message for us, it offers more space for us to engage in conversation and regain some perspective. All our inner parts including the critic need to feel heard and acknowledged before they can really calm.
Reframing our inner critical voice is also a good tool. By asking ourselves “What would a compassionate friend say to you right now?” or “what would I say to a child right now if I were worried about them?”, we can create a little separation from it by asking these questions.
Over time we learn from experience that acknowledging and hearing the message of our critics can reframe it from being a hateful message to a message of concern for our well-being. The harshness of the message softens over time as we continue to train it with the above techniques.
All of these techniques are just a start in building a compassionate space in our minds. Learning self compassion is a lifelong journey and a lot of times it is helpful to talk with a therapist or a healer when working through the tough critics in our minds. If you find yourself in the cycles of a critical narrative lately and need a little help working through it there is help out there. WildSense Therapy offers assistance in confronting the inner critic and working through self limiting beliefs. Reach out today.